Have you ever found yourself moving quickly from feeling calm and capable to suddenly feeling small and worried? Or maybe you’ve gone from feeling playful and relaxed to blowing up with anger. This happens when your mode changes due to a triggering situation. In this blog, I’m sharing one of the ideas I use most […]
Which Mode is Driving the Bus? Schema Therapy Modes Read More »
Have you ever noticed that when you feel angry, you don’t always feel and act the same? Or perhaps you’ve noticed that when other people direct their anger at you, you can have very different reactions to their anger. Sometimes when other people are angry you feel scared, sometimes you feel put down, sometimes you
Beyond Furious: Decoding the Modes Behind Your Anger Read More »
If you struggle with social connection due to a disconnection or an inability to express your true feelings or thoughts, including pleasant emotions, you may have the emotional constriction schema. You may: Have a sense of pride in being stoic or call yourself a “rational person” Strongly believe that “Showing emotions means I am weak/vulnerable”,
The Emotional Constriction Schema Read More »
If you believe that your feelings are dangerous and can cause damage or result in serious consequences, you may have the fear of losing control schema. Yalcin et all (2022) defines this schema as “The excessive inhibition or disconnection of spontaneous emotion, action, or expression, due to a fear that one would otherwise lose control
The Fear of Losing Control Schema: my feelings will cause damage Read More »
Most people are aware of thoughts that cross their mind. These thoughts guide them, prompt them and even narrate their actions. You might notice some of these thoughts are critical of you, and the things you do and think. When this occurs, an inner critic mode is present. In schema therapy, this voice is called
Critic Modes: Is your inner critic punitive, demanding or guilt inducing? Read More »
Strengthening your Healthy Adult mode means that you learn how to meet your core emotional needs in a healthy and balanced way.
How to strengthen your Healthy Adult Mode Read More »
Do you have someone in your life who seems perpetually stuck, complains a lot, and blames others for their situation? Perhaps this person states that they are powerless to change and that things can’t get better for them because of their circumstance.
They may also reject any suggestions that could help shift them out of helplessness and move them towards change. You may find they get angry at your suggestions and tell you that if you cared you wouldn’t even say these things. If so, you have met someone with the Helpless Surrender Mode
The Helpless Surrender Mode Read More »
In modern parenting, parents often think about how to meet their child’s emotional needs. But how often do we consider our emotional needs as adults or whether our core emotional needs were met sufficiently by our caretakers when we were children? Many of us may not even be in contact with what our core emotional
What are your core emotional needs? Read More »
Learning how to identify what you need emotionally can be hard. Especially if you have been cut off or dissociated from your needs for a long time. This is often the case when we have been using our coping modes a lot or all of the time. If you find knowing what you need hard, I recommend you make
What does little you need? Learning to take care of your vulnerable part. Read More »
Overcontroller is a label used to explain some of the overcompensation coping modes in schema therapy. When you are in an overcompensation mode you act, think and feel like the opposite of your schemas are true. Overcompensation modes serve to make you feel less vulnerable to whatever pain is in your vulnerable child mode and
Making sense of the overcontroller modes in schema therapy Read More »
Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) is often cited as the gold standard treatment for many psychological difficulties, mostly because of the number of research studies demonstrating its effectiveness. It is a “here and now approach” that focuses on how to improve your mental health now and prides itself in not focusing on the past. It tends
Why didn’t CBT work for me? Read More »
When your schemas activate, it can feel very painful and overwhelming. Often the inner critic joins in as well, making things even more overwhelming. For this reason, a coping mode forms to prevent you from coming into contact with your schemas and critic mode. In schema therapy, a mode is a label for a part
Schema Therapy: what is a coping mode? Read More »
Do you believe people should be punished for their mistakes, no matter how small? Do you say things like “I’m only mean to people who deserve it?” Are you known to judge people harshly for their mistakes? Are you often angry and impatient with people who don’t meet your expectations? Do you struggle to forgive
Show no mercy: the punitiveness schema Read More »
Recently I watched Ted Lasso, a wonderfully funny TV series. Ted, American and the ever optimistic coach, is horrified when he comes across the saying “It’s the hope that kills” in the local British football community. The belief “It’s the hope that kills you” is a beautiful example of the type of thinking common to
The negativity pessimism schema. It’s the hope that kills you. Read More »
Do you tend to be rational at all times? Do you struggle to be spontaneous, silly, and in the moment? Do you rarely express feelings? Do you inhibit one emotion altogether? When you have the emotional inhibition schema you struggle to express your authentic feelings. This schema develops in childhood usually to avoid punishment or
What’s the point of feelings? The emotional inhibition schema Read More »
Do you feel under pressure to do things to a high standard but are rarely satisfied with the outcome? Do you find fault in nearly everything you do? Do your accomplishments fail to give you a sense of achievement or pleasure and instead you are looking to the next target? Or perhaps you find it
Unrelenting standards schema: when good enough isn’t enough Read More »
If you have the insufficient self-control/ self-discipline schema it can at times be a lot of fun but it also can wreak havoc on all aspects of your life. You may also recognize it as difficulty staying on task, a mind that moves rapidly from one topic to the next or as my yoga teachers call it
I’m so impulsive: Insufficient self-control/self-discipline Read More »
Do you often think the rules don’t apply to you? When you are told no do you repeatedly push or try to convince or manipulate others to get a yes? Do you tend to think you are always right and rarely wrong? Have you been told you are controlling or domineering? Do you think you
I’m special and the rules don’t apply.The entitlement schema Read More »
Many people with a self-sacrifice schema have childhoods that strongly encouraged self-sacrifice including religious beliefs that over value self-sacrifice. Women are very often taught that being a good woman means overdoing for others at the expense of self. This is a pattern that is expected of women by our culture and is highly promoted as a virtue.
Self-sacrifice: a pathway to resentment and burnout. Read More »
Before anyone goes into a shame attack, people-pleasing is very common. As children, we can be subtlely or overtly taught that keeping others happy is important and it is risky to upset an adult caregiver whether that be a parent, family member or teacher. Our families might even have had a “don’t upset the parent
The problem with people pleasing: the subjugation schema Read More »
Do you find yourself always wanting to make a good impression on others? Do you try to do what you think others will think is cool or will be appreciated by other people? Maybe you spend a lot of time making sure you do the latest hobbies, focusing on your social standing, making sure you
When you crave the approval of others: the approval seeking recognition schema Read More »
Do you often think of yourself as a loser or stupid, lazy or pathetic? Do you think you are untalented and will inevitably fail at things you try at? Do you believe others are far more capable than you and that you have to work harder than others to achieve the same result? Do you
When you feel doomed to fail: the failure to achieve schema Read More »
“What is required of you to maintain your closeness?” is a question I often ask clients who describe a very close relationship with someone. Closeness can be highly valued and feel snuggly and protective. But it often requires compliance of some kind to be maintained, limits to relationships outside of the family, feeling unable to
When closeness binds: The enmeshment/ undeveloped self schema Read More »
Do you feel you lack the skills to get by each day? Do you believe you can’t make everyday decisions on your own or feel a lot of anxiety if you can’t check and get reassurance from others about your decision? Do you feel like you couldn’t get by without your partner? If so you
When you think you can’t adult: the incompetence/ dependence schema Read More »
Most commonly seen in people with anxiety , the vulnerability to harm and illness schema fills you with constant worry and fear about a range of things that could go wrong. Typically people with the vulnerability to harm and illness schema focus on fear about illness, safety of themselves. This schema whispers: “what if it’s not a
Something bad will happen: the vulnerability to harm or illness schema Read More »
Do you feel like you don’t fit in, that other people don’t warm to you? Do you tend to assume that you are weird and so different that you won’t be welcomed into a group? Or that you don’t belong anywhere? The social isolation/ alienation schema is very common and develops out of a number of circumstances.
I’m weird and I don’t belong: the social isolation/ alienation schema Read More »
Do you worry that you are bad or unworthy? Or that others won’t enjoy spending time with you? Do you often find yourself prickling with shame? Do you notice thoughts like “I am worthless” or “I’m stupid” or “ there’s something really wrong with me”? The defectiveness/ shame schema is a very common pattern. This
When you believe you’re unworthy: the defectiveness/ shame schema Read More »
I recently watched This is Paris, a documentary about Paris Hilton now showing on YouTube. It’s a fascinating and sad story about what drives Paris Hilton to be the person she is. Paris is mostly know as an uber famous glamour girl and extremely wealthy business woman but she also has a history of childhood
When you can’t let your guard down: the mistrust & abuse schema Read More »
Do you every feel lonely, empty or emotionally separate to others, even when you’re with people? Do you tend to focus on others, leaving other people seeing you as strong and having few needs? Or do you struggle to identify your own emotional needs? Maybe you even think you don’t have emotional needs and tell yourself “I’m
When you don’t know what you’re missing: emotional deprivation schema Read More »
Are you anxious about your relationships and fear being alone? Do you need a lot of reassurance from your partner that they want to be with you? Do you insist your partner text you regularly and become worried they don’t love you if they don’t respond? Do you fear your partner won’t come back to
No one will take care of me: the abandonment schema Read More »
